Taming of the dragon
by Winterflower
Summary: Tatsuki is the toughest lady to handle, what happens when someone just swept her off her feet, just to make her sisters available for the taking? Based on the taming of the shrew. with scents of lime and lemon.
1. Prolouge

Taming of the Dragon

(Ren x Tats, Ori x Uryu, Shiro x momo, Ichi x ruk)

Tatsuki is the toughest lady to handle. What happens when someone swept her off her feet, just to make her sisters available for the taking? Based on Shakespeare's play 'The Taming of the Shrew'. (AU and OOC)

Disclaimer: Bleach characters do not belong to me but it's just based on my imagination. So there.

Prologue

Once upon a time in Japan, there was a peaceful and beautiful state called Karakura City. In that city lived a wealthy nobleman who goes by the name of Ukitake Jyuushiro. And he had a problem.

He had three beautiful daughters; the childish and naïve Orihime, the sweet and kind Momo, and the tomboyish Tatsuki. As Orihime is so childish and naïve that any hot-blooded male with ill intentions (or a certain lady, whose name will be withheld due to her being an minor, with an unusual fetish for well endowed ladies) would take advantage of her, and Momo was really simply too kind for her own good, Tatsuki being the oldest sister became so overprotective of her younger sisters that she developed a nasty and spitfire temper. One glare or harsh word from her was enough to make any man wet his pants and cry like a newborn babe on the spot. Due to her infamous reputation, thousands of admirers shied away from her, even though she was an exceptional beauty.

Therein lay the problem. Jyuushiro has always worried for his eldest daughter being left on the shelf as there were no takers for her, even though he had received numerous marriage proposals for the hands of Orihime and Momo. Being her father, he was worried about Tatsuki being alone when he died, as he was always plagued by an incurable illness that made him vomit blood and leaving him breathless. He was also worried if his two younger daughters would ever marry the right man before he passes away. After many sleepless nights, and maybe a hundred or so fits of crimson vomits, he consulted with his best friend Kyouraku Shunsei. They discussed from day to night, and night to day, between bouts of fits and buckets of blood, until Jyuushiro had hit on the ultimate flawless plan!

The very next day, Jyuushiro stood in front of his mansion's entrance gate. He had gathered all of his daughters' suitors (or lack thereof) in front of his house for a special announcement. He breathed hard, and after making sure there was no incoming fit, announced to the whole wide world that Tatsuki must get married first before Orihime and Momo do, using the tradition that the eldest child must come first before the younger siblings. Even though he hated to jeopardize his two daughters' happiness, he was sure that this was the only way to ensure Tatsuki's happiness, even if it would cause her to hate him to the end of days.

The very minutethe words left his mouth, the number of Orihime and Momo's suitors were drastically reduced to a quarter (except for if you include a certain lesbian), for too many had tasted the iron fist, the steel legs and the knife-edged tongue of the elder daughter far too many times. No one ever dared, even if they were in a truth or dare game, to court this wild dragon bitch, who was dubbed by men as Tatsuki the Cursed/Battleaxe/Ogre/ Dramata.

With the announcement taking effect, and Orihime and Momos' suitors having a sudden change of mind, Tatsuki breathed a sigh of relief. Orihime and Momo were practically fishing baits that had drawn too many suitors for her own liking. She was glad that with the announcement being a double insurance, it was enough to protect her two younger siblings from those lowlife filthy males. Tatsuki even told her father that they were better off without those males, much to Jyuushiro's dismay. Little did she know that her life would change in the form of a certain redheaded male…


	2. 1: Enter Abarai Renji

Meanwhile somewhere in Karakura City, a small group of knights in shining armor huddled in the dark corner of an alleyway, apparently in deep discussion. 

"In order to save the two fair maidens, we need to slay the dragon." One of the knights spoke up, pushing his glasses upward on his nose stylishly.

A boyish-looking knight with white hair scowled. "Aye, we know that. But the dragon is too powerful for us to slay!"

"That only means one thing," the knight resembling a toy lion replied.

"We need a distraction."

Chapter 1: Enter Abarai Renji

Somewhere in Kyoto, in a seedy-looking bar, a red-haired man with tattoos was downing liquor as if it was water, while his orange-haired companion with livid eyes was staring him quite impassively.

"Damn you Ichigo! You thief!" Renji cursed as he took another swig of beer, apparently pissed off at the non-drinking person. Ichigo scowled at him.

"I am NOT a thief. I courted her just as fairly as you did. It is not my fault that she chose me," he huffed. "As the saying goes, 'there are other fishes in the sea to catch'. She is only one fish."

Renji groaned loudly. "But who do you want me to capture! Rukia is the only fish in my life! And I don't think there is another with the same personality." Another bottle of beer emptied.

Kuchiki Rukia, the childhood friend of Abarai Renji, and the love of his life. She had only thought of him as an older brother and nothing more. So he had held high hopes that she would marry him once he has a stable business running and enough money to his name. Who knew that this Carrot Top from nowhere waltzed into the Kuchiki household, impressed that stiff prick of her widower brother, and swept Rukia off her feet all in one day!

Now Ichigo and Rukia were engaged, and the rest is history. For Renji that is. Maybe he should have done what that orange-flavored clown did too. But he would most likely have been 'Renji Kebab or satay' before he even breathed a word, by courtesy of Rukia's brother and a very sharp sword, Senbonzakura. Mulling over that, he raised another mug over his chin.

"Ah, since you put it this way then I have a proposition for you," A mature-looking man wearing a flowery robe sat next to Renji and Ichigo at the counter. He tipped his straw hat to them, and casually raised a finger to the bartender. "One bottle of sake please."

"Oh? And what would that be? I don't mind as long she's a tiger in bed." Redheaded (and now red faced) Renji slurred as he downed his next bottle of beer. Ichigo sighed quietly. He got tired of counting the bottles after they reached thirty.

"Tiger in bed? Let's see… There is not one that I can think of at the moment, but what I can tell is that she's one hell of a feisty girl." The man sipped his cup of sake.

Renji roared with laughter and pointed to Ichigo. "Oh is it! Tell me who the girl is, so that I can do what Orange Head did!" Ichigo swallowed his Pinto de Cola loudly, along with the impulse to break Renji's neck. How many times has Tomato Head insulted him today?

"Well, then you have to head down to Karakura City and look for a man named Ukitake Jyuushiro and ask for Tatsukiandhewillbewillingtohandherovertoyou!" Straw Hat quickly gulped his cup, threw out some cash, and ran to the door of the bar. Outside, a voice was heard immediately, and a fuming lady wearing glasses took off after him.

Ichigo and the bartender watched the scene in silence. Then the bartender looked at the cash. "He underpaid me," the man muttered.

Renji was still draining beer when he suddenly blacked out and fell onto Ichigo's lap. It seemed that he had gone past his limit at a grand total of fifty bottles. Ichigo groaned inwardly. That is a lot of cash to be paid. After dragging Renji's sorry ass back to his apartment, Ichigo decided to pay his family a visit the next day. And to inform them about his engagement to Kuchiki Rukia.

In Karakura city, there was love in the air, especially with all the males were scrambl-- I mean courting after the city women with the intention of being their mates, except for our three pretty ladies and another three laddie knights who were currently in hiding among some well-trimmed bushes.

"Nooo! You can't do this to me!" The lion plushie wailed as he struggled to break free from the clutches of the white-haired boy and the bespectacled knight.

Hitsugaya grinned evilly. "Well, Kon, since you suggested the idea first…"

"Why not YOU be the distraction?" Ishida finished. Both gripped Kon tightly and prepared to throw him towards the direction of Ukitake Tatsuki. But Kon just would not left go of their sleeves, and he kept sobbing non-stop.

"Nooo! You can't make me Ishida! Hitsugaya …" Kon blinked at the two lovely sights who were accompanying Tatsuki. His stubborn resolve melted as quickly as ice on fire.

"Never mind I changed my mind again! Ah, my beautiful paradise …" Kon hopped off their arms and started running towards the buxom beauties that were Orihime and Momo, ditching his fellow knights in the bushes.

"Kon! You bastard! Come back right here this instant!" Ishida roared hoarsely and started towards the little toy, but he was restrained by Hitsugaya to avoid revealing their presence to the fierce Tatsuki. That woman would be willing to personally send them a visit to either Kurosaki Isshin or Unohana Retsu. Kon paid no heed to the dangers as he launched himself straight to Orihime's chest. Ishida roared even more hoarsely.

Unfortunately his joy has not yet begun, before he felt himself grabbed and swung around by a certain female person with a strong right hook. His first instinct was to freeze himself and make himself look cute enough to escape the wrath from the Queen of Dragons, but upon feeling her aura of fear, his mind snapped. "Eh, for a second, if I squint a bit, you look pretty, let me kiss you."

All he got for that was a hard flick on the nose by her middle finger. Tatsuki glared dangerously at the burbling Kon. "This plushie is really suspicious." Then she noticed a young pink-haired girl with a lollipop skipping past by them.

"Oei, Yachiru!" Tatsuki called out. The young lass heard her, and bounced towards them, happily licking her lollipop. "I have got something for you."

"Hi there, Big Boobies, Bunhead, and Spikehead. What's up?" Yachiru chirped.

"Here, Yachiru, this is for you." Tatsuki smiled toothily as she handed Kon to Yachiru, ignoring the disapproving glance of Momo. "You can show this plushie to Kenpachi as well if you like."

Kon at first thought it wasn't a bad tradeoff, since he can still snuggle on some girl's chest until he heard the words that was enough make him take a piss if he was a human.

"Sure, thanks, Spikehead, Bunhead and Big Boobies! And as for you, I'm going to love you, hug you, squeeze you and dress you up in doll's clothes forever and ever!" Yachiru chirped as she clutched the poor plushie very tightly.

"Oneesan, don't do this to meeee! I will do anything for youuuu!" Kon screamed in desperation. Tatsuki ignored his existence as she waved a goodbye to Yachiru, who was carrying him away. As Yachiru happily skipped along the road with a new doll in her hands, Kon heard her say, "This is such a happy day! I am going to show you to my foster father. He should be with Auntie Retsu having tea right now. You know who he is? Everyone calls him Kenpachi."

Kon stared at her blankly. "Kenpachi? What is your family name, pray tell?"

Yachiru beamed at him. "Zaraki, of course!"

Kon put two and two together. Zaraki Kenpachi, a man rumored to have an obsessive fetish for dolls. Especially soft plushies like himself.

The toy lion's screams of horror echoed throughout the background.

"Tatsuki neechan, you shouldn't do that." Momo chided her with a disapproving frown on her face whereas Orihime was wondering what had happened. Tatsuki scoffed back. "Why shouldn't I? There was an evil gleam in that one. You should be thankful that it didn't get within a foot of both of you!"

And she went on, proclaiming about the evilness that are males. Back at the bushes, the two boys watched the departure of their former comrade in arms without a single regret and remorse on their faces.

"He deserved it." They echoed as they continued hiding in the bushes. Ishida was privately glad that Tatsuki had managed to catch hold of the perverted toy.

---

Renji woke up with a splitting headacheas he got up from the bed, feeling very groggy. He headed to the kitchen to find something to ease his headache. Perhaps a bottle of sake would do. Instead he found a piece of paper on the table. Renji picked up the flimsy thing and read its contents. It was a contract in which he would have to take care of a girl by the name of Ukitake Tatsuki, and the witnesses to the deed was Kurosaki Ichigo (Carrot Cake) and Ise Nanao (Four-eyed Loudmouth).

Then he remembered what he had said to the mysterious man the day before. Renji grinned. This was going to be interesting. Still feeling a bit groggy, he then packed his bags to board a train to Karakura City.

---

Shunsui and Juyuushiro were sitting at the hallway of the courtyard, drinking sake and tea and playing shogi, a form of chess.

Shunsui sighed as he placed a shogi piece on the board. "Ahhh… young love, it really brings back those old memories." Juyuushiro shook his as he recalled the memory of their teenager years.

Twenty years back, A fourteen year old Kyouraku Shunsui and Ukitake Juyuushiro were walking down the streets when he noticed a young girl called Ise Nanao. He was so attracted to Nanao's innocent charms that he tried to hit on her, only to receive a hit from her book instead. As Shunsei had an ill reputation as a flirt, it did not help him court the elusive Ise Nanao.

Jyuushiro tried to warn him to give up on her, as she had no interest in him, but Shunsei was so infatuated with her, believed that she was worth more than his time and decided to pursue her, causing Nanao to shun him like the plague itself. One particular night Shunsei armed himself with a guitar, went to the balcony of Ise Nanao's house and launched into a song that Jyuushiro remembered very clearly:

In the centre of a city,  
Dwelt a maiden all divine,  
A pretty creature a miner's daughter  
And her name was Nanao chan.

Oh my darling, oh my darling,  
** Oh My darling Nanao chan,**  
You are lost for me forever,  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

Light she was, and like a fairy,  
And her shoes were number nine,  
Herring boxes without topses,  
Sandals were for Nanao chan.

Walking lightly as a fairy,  
Though her shoes were number nine,  
Sometimes tripping, lightly skipping,  
Lovely girl, my Nanao chan.

Took her readings to the water  
Ev'ry morning just at nine,  
Hit her foot against a splinter,  
Fell into the foaming brine.

Ruby lips above the water,  
Blowing bubbles soft and fine,  
But alas, I was no swimmer,  
Neither was my Nanao chan.

Before Shunsei could reach the verse about a churchyard near a canyon, he was drenched by a bucketful of water, courtesy of his dear ten-year-old Nanao chan . Her reply to him then was, "I can swim very well to save myself, thank you very much!"

Shunsei cried out as she shut the windows, " Aww, Nanao chan, so cruel!" Then he was attacked on all sides by Nanao's neighbors and them telling him what they thought about his singing.

"But still, in the end, I still managed to win her heart with my fabulous charms." Shunsei gloated as he sipped a cup of sake, not realising that Ise Nanao just could not take it anymore and just gave in to his courting. Both of them sat quietly playing shogi with Jyuushiro wanting to forget the past with Shunsei. Then he noticed that Shunsei was trembling with excitement.

"Shunsei, are you alright?" He asked with concern.

"Yes, old friend, but I have this feeling that there will be some good changes coming."

Jyuushiro shook his head. What can be better than marrying Tatsuki off? Just then, the housemaid appeared in front of them and knelt down beside Jyuushiro. "What is the matter?" he asked.

The maid bowed respectfully. "Master, there are some visitors at the door, and they wish to seek an audience with you."

"Did they announce themselves?"

"Yes, my lord. They are Histugaya Toshiro and Ishida Uryuu of Karakura City, and Abarai Renji of Kyoto." Juyuushiro nodded, and being a nice guy, got up from his place to greet the visitors who took up the guts and time to visit him. He turned to Shunsei. "Let's see what sort of wind has brought them to my household, shall we?"

Jyuushiro brought the three men to his living room, and the pleasantries were passed around. Silence began to grow. Just when he was wondering what they were doing in his house, the glass-eyed one spoke up.

"Ukitake sama, we would like to marry Orihime and Momo and we also brought someone suitable as Tatsuki's groom." Ishida Uryuu spoke as he could not trust Hitsugaya and Renji to speak, as they tended to be quite insulting with their words, even if they did not mean it. Juyuushiro just nodded his head, still unable to consider it as good tidings or ill, as he was still worried whether they will be good husbands for his daughters, especially Tatsuki. He could not unintentionally risk causing a death immediately after the nuptials, and him having to console and apologize to the relatives.

Seeing Jyuushiro slightly distracted, Renji became impatient and snapped his fingers in his face. "Yo! Old Man, can I marry your eldest daughter?"

"Maaa, Abarai kun, are you really sure …" Juyuushiro asked when three feminine voices rung out.

"Papa, we are back." Tatsuki, Momo and Orihime greeted together as they entered the the living room.

"Ahh, Abarai kun, I like you to meet Tatsuki chan." Juyuushiro introduced his daughter with resignation on his face.

Renji took one bored glance at Tatsuki and deadpanned, "Pardon me, Old man, but I'm a straight guy and I have no intention of making out with males."

Everyone suddenly felt a cold draft going down their spines, and took three steps back away from him. Juyuushiro even took time and started praying on his behalf. A second passed by, Tatsuki suddenly realized that this brutish male was referring to her.

She roared war at him as she lunged straight at him...

Tbc.

* * *

Winter chan: the song that Shunsui had sung with his 'lovely' voice was taken from clementine with a couple of corruption from me and my pal, scales the dog. the knights part was an inspiration from a singaporean cartoonist who drew a comic strip regarding to chinese wedding culture and a small joke to the dragon part, his blog is http/hutdugaikarsui. I like to thank all the lovely readers who took time and patience to read and review this crazy story. 

OH ya, before i forget, this story is based in a modern japan settings.

cucumberlikewhoa: thanks for pointing out to me that the 1st chapter is more of a summary than a chapter as i was refering to a handheld book called 6 tales from shakespeare when i was writing the story. so i hope u are reading and lol over this new chpt 1 and the prologue. ;)

urja shannan, moi and Noiri: yup taming of the shrew is a good play but i find that kate is like a modern day lady feminist.

ice illuser and LovelettersFib: thanks for liking this crazy plot line and as well as the pairings. I didn't get the chance to see the said pairings on the anime or manga.

Hope you all like this chapter and cast ya votes at the blue button name: review me. See ya all at the next chapter ja ne.


	3. side song: nanao chan

The full 4.35 min version of what Shunsui was intending to sing before he was assaulted by Ise Nanao and her neighbors and brought back by popular demand:

**Nanao chan**

In the centre of a city,  
Dwelt a maiden all divine,  
A pretty creature a miner's daughter  
And her name was Nanao chan.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,  
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

Light she was and like a fairy  
And her shoes were number nine.  
Herring boxes without topses  
Sandals were for Nanao chan.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,  
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

Took her readings to the water  
Every morning just at nine.  
Hit her foot against a splinter,  
Fell into the foaming brine.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,  
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

Ruby lips above the water,  
Blowing bubbles soft and fine.  
But alas, I was no swimmer,  
Neither was my Nanao chan.  
So I lost my Nanao chan.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,  
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

Then the miner, forty-niner,  
Soon began to peak and pine.  
Thought he ought not to join his daughter;  
Now he's with his Nanao chan.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,  
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

There's a churchyard near a canyon  
Where the flowers grow and twine.  
There grow roses, 'mongst the posies,   
Fertilized by Nanao chan.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,   
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.   
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

In my dreams, she still doth haunt me  
Robed in garlands soaked in brine.  
Though, in life, I used to hug and kiss her,  
Now she's dead, I draw the line.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,  
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

Now, you tykes may learn the moral  
Of this little tale of mine.  
Artificial respiration  
Would have saved my Nanao chan.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,  
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.  
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

How I missed her, how I missed her,  
How I missed my Nanao chan  
Till I kissed and hug her little sister   
And forgot my Nanao chan.

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling,   
Oh, my darling Nanao chan,  
You are lost and gone forever.   
Dreadful sorry, Nanao chan.

* * *

Winter chan: Hope you all liked the full version of this song, as i had an interesting discussion with my editor, Scales the dog, on whether to cut it short and go straight to the point or just show a certain selected section of the song. So after many hours of drinking water due to hot weather and debating, we decided to have a side song here for you all to laugh and sing along with it. 

Meanwhile I like to thank my fellow readers ...

Prim8 goragnak: glad that you like the wit in the story, and i will try to email the update to you regarding to this.

Kawaii Eyez: thanks for liking this story and its prologue, i hope you are spillin your sides with laughter with this song. ;)

Kitty Yannie: thanks for liking Zakari's love for plushie and the olden and modern combo story

Ayako Nazuki: yup i do know you in fact i read ur gundam fics, glad that you like the creative use of this song and hope you laugh over the full version of this song

Brok3n Ragd0ll: thanks for loving this crazy plotline, its actually shunsui but i keep mixing up with him and hisagi and i was using ms words to type the story and lazy to scroll up hence the typo error, so i'm sorry for the confusion.

SGL: thanks for liking the story, the roles that the characters were playin.

yaoi hata: thanks for likin it and lookin forward to see renji's ass being kicked, well i'm exaggerating in the fic and playin by the title as knights were normally sent to kill dragon and tatsuki's name means honorable dragon. hence the title and the running gag line. well nanao is quite mature for her age, especially she observed other males flirting with ladies. ehehe. '

Aeolus the Soul Hunter: well she practically behave like a male and had a short hair cut and tomboyish nature that it would not be a surprise that he would mistake her as that. glad that you find it amusing and let's say that Kenpachi likes to use his toys to role play his love life with unohana.

ice illuser: glad that you approve the improvements and very slight silver of uno/ken relationship.

Please review neh .. P.S: could anyone be kind enough to be my editor for my following fanfics as my current editor is working full time and might not be able to read and edit the story.


	4. 2: King Kong vs Godzilla

Omake:

Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai was standing in the middle of the ring.

"Saa, it has finally begun, the official Karakura City Royal Rumble Tournament!" Yamamoto announced to the awaiting crowd. The crowd of bleach characters started yelling and cheering upon hearing his announcement.

"In this battle, with so many dark horses, crouching tigers and hidden dragons, there are no way of telling who will win in this battle to the death."

"Will we see an unexpected twist? Or an epic battle to be remembered for eternity?" Yamamoto paused for a while for a dramatic effect before continuing on.

"Now the battle of the Titans shall commerce!" Yamamoto announced, everyone roared in approval.

"For this battle, east corner: contender – Abarai Renji." Upon these words, a disgruntled Renji appeared at the east side of the ring.

"West corner: contender - Ukitake Tatsuki…" A pissed off Tatsuki stomping towards the entrance at the opposite side of the ring.

"Oei! Why am I here? I didn't do anything wrong here! I'm not interested in gays and I'm sticking to it!" Renji insisted very loudly, infuriating her further.

"Who are you calling me a 'gay'? Asshole! Stand here and fight like a woman!" Tatsuki yelled and did a Bruce Lee pose to intimidate him.

"Sigh, since it is like this, then I have to entertain you and I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE!" an angry Renji with an angry mark on his forehead yelled as he prepared to defend himself from a raging Tatsuki.

Yamamoto meanwhile fixed a safety helmet on his head before speaking up. "Both contenders face each other and fight! BEGIN!" Yamamoto yelled and quickly backed away from the eager fighters to avoid being caught in a cross fire.

---------------------------------------------

The real chapter 2: King Kong vs. Godzilla

The Jyuushiro household was bursting fit with activity. The mansion was holding nearly the entire population of Karakura City, who had gathered to witness the infamous clash of the century – Renji Abarai of the Hot-Blooded Hairy Male versus Tatsuki Jyuushiro of the Icy-Scaled Female!

The spectators hid themselves among the newly made barracks as food and drinks were being passed around freely. Even Kenpachi Zaraki was there at the scene, namely to watch the battle and protect his girlfriend Unohana Retsu from harm, as she was also there to take care of any injuries, fatal or otherwise.

"Oi, Yumichika! Bring me the beer and the chips!" Ikkaku Madarame roared as they passed the beverages and food around and watched the show. Yumichika sighed as he passed the snack and drink to him. Then he sipped on his can of coke. "It is not beautiful for him to insult her like that." Ikkaku murmured in agreement.

Every man raised by his mother has been taught never to hurt a girl, either physically or mentally. They would also avoid Tatsuki for various other reasons of their own. But none of them wanted to pass up this chance of seeing someone insult her, and then get beaten to a near inch of his life by the Dragon Princess of Karakura City!

Tatsuki screamed in rage as she threw several furious punches at Renji, while he dodged and blocked the blows in a fluster of confusion and panic. "What in hell is wrong with you?!" Renji howled. "I only said that I'm not interested in men! What are you so offended for?!"

That only infuriated her further, and she grabbed hold of a stool to hammer him on the spot.

"That Abarai, he's such an idiot!" Hitsugaya cursed, slapped his forehead and cursed loudly. Crouching next to a concerned Momo, he recalled the moment when he and Ishida met Renji earlier…

6 hours ago …

"It was a pity that we had missed the chance to court Momo and Orihime, even though Kon had betrayed us," Ishida and Hitsugaya sighed in despair as they watched the ladies leaving the scene. Leaving from their hiding place, the both of them were gazing forlornly into the blank space; their chances of chasing the girls have turned into a fleeting dream.

"Oi you two!"

The voice caused Ishida and Hitsugaya to nearly jump out of their clothes and skin. Had they been discovered? Was it the police? Will they be regarded as peeping toms for the rest of their lives?

"Can you tell me where Ukitake Jyuushiro lives?" Both of them turned around. The speaker was a red-headed punk, with a tattoo all over his forehead. He scratched his ear and glared at the two. "I'm supposed to see this girl called Tatsuki, but the guy in a straw hat who told me about her didn't give me any directions to the place."

The man was like a spark of hope for the crouching duo.

"Hitsugaya, do you remember Ukitake's decree regarding Tatsuki?" Ishida asked Hitsugaya who nodded his head in response.

"That means Orihime and Bed-wetter Momo will be up for grabs now!" He replied with a grin on his face.

"Lady Luck is smiling on us today!" Both of them chorused happily as they linked their arms together and danced in circles. When Renji saw Hitsugaya and Ishida's happy dance, he started to inch away from them.

"Since you bitches are busy right now, I should go find directions from elsewhere," He muttered and started to creep away from the two loonies, only to be linked by the singing duo and was dragged in circles toward the destined place…

"Ishida san, will he be alright?" Orihime asked while crouching beside Ishida as they witness the wrath of the Dragon Princess.

"That idiot? Don't worry he will be - SHIT!" The normally polite Ishida swore as he and Hitsugaya frantically covered both their love interests' eyes to prevent them from being scarred for life. Ukitake was hiding among the barracks and still praying on Renji's behalf, and Shunsui was having a time of his life, namely as the broker of bets.

Renji, in his frustration, tried to push Tatsuki away from him, only to discover a small bump on her chest.

Not a sound followed after.

Even the birds did not say anything.

Both of their faces turned red; Renji had finally got through his dim mind that 'he' was female, and Tatsuki was cracking the stool with her bare fingers.

"He found out that Tatsuki is a girl within six hours!" Shunsui spoke up as everyone groaned.

"DAMNIT! Why can't that red-haired punk wait for at least another eight hours?" Ikkaku grumbled along with many of the betters, as he emptied his wallet into Shunsui's waiting palm.

"Well it's not only your loss, Ikkaku san," Yumichika sniffed as he had to empty a quarter of his wallet to a very gleeful looking Shunsui.

"Maa, don't be to dishearten, who knows Lady Luck might smile at you next time," Shunsui grinned cheerily as he took another sip of sake. Ikkaku frowned and stormed away, still sore on the sudden loss of his hard earned earnings when he was rudely awakened to a loud yelling from an idiotic looking brown-haired man.

"Oei, cue ball, move aside! I can't see the battle with that light from your baldy head." Ikkaku stopped in his tracks. Slowly he turned his head to the insulting brute.

"What … did you … just say?" Ikkaku growled as his hand fingered dangerously on the hilt of his wooden sword.

"You are slow, B.A.L.D.Y.," the fellow drawled out the last word, not noticing an instant deadly aura coming from Ikkaku.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME BALD!" Ikkaku roared as he lunged straight at the idiot and started to pummel him, but his battle went unnoticed by the crowd as they were more interested in watching the main battle, especially where Renji seems to be frozen in time along with the Dragon Princess.

"Saa, for this final round, lay your stakes on who is going to come out victorious in this battle!" Shunsui slammed on the tatami, calling out to potential betters, as they could not take their eyes from the raunchy battle and wiping their noses at the same time.

"We place a hundred yen on Tatsuki!" The betters yelled as they slapped the cash on the floor right in front of Shunsui and doubling their bets at the same time. Then Shunsui noticed a hand gently floating above the pile of cash, and politely put a coin above the pile.

"Ano, I want to place a ten yen on the red head gentleman." A meek looking man quietly spoke up, causing every male to glare at him.

"What! Hanataro, are you out of your mind?" one of the betters asked with a look of shock and disbelief on his face. "What makes you think that beetroot could defeat the Dragon Princess?!"

Hanataro quickly broke into cold sweat. "Sorry! I just wanted to support the man for his bravery," He started to reach for his coin. "Is it all right if I change my mind?"

"Maa, it's alright. This is what betting is all about, everything is fair in love and …" Shunsui stopped in mid-verse when he heard a voice that chilled him to his spine.

Renji squished the bump just to confirm. Instantly horrified, Tatsuki immediately tore the stool into splinters and proceeded to do the same with him.

"Kyōraku Shunsui!" Nanao called out as she stormed into the household with a stern frown on her face. She slowly weaved through the masses to get to her husband. Shunsui's eyes widened in horror as he slowly turned his head to the direction of the voice.

"Kyōraku! You are supposed to be back in your office, settling those claims!" Nanao shouted loudly, but none of the audience paid any heed to her as they were fixated on the duo duking each other out, with Renji dodging what remains of her weapon with a grace of a ballerina and taunting her at the same time.

"Ah! Nanao chan! Stay back, this place is too dangerous!" Shunsui yelled desperately at her, but she paid no heed from him. As he glanced at the battle, he noticed that Tatsuki in a fit of anger had flung the remaining leg of the stool that became a stake in an attempt to skewer Renji. He shifted his head, and the stake missed its course. But the stake was still flying, and it was straight heading for them!

"Don't think that you could use that excuse to escape from work!" A fuming Nanao retorted as she managed to get past the crowd and headed towards him with full intention of yanking his ear and dragging him back to the office. Shunsui did the only thing that came into his mind.

He scrambled up towards Nanao, and jumped her. Both of them landed flat on the floor, just in time to see the stake pierce through the wall where Nanao's head previously was. When he helped her to a crouching position, Nanao was still staring in shock at the spot where the stake was stuck in.

"Nanao are you alright?" Shunsui asked as he checked for injuries on a stunned Nanao before embracing her in a tight hug, his eyes squeezing in relief. Nanao was at first touched by his gesture, and she was about to answer too, but she quickly changed her mind when she felt a hand on her rear.

BAM!

"Ow, Nanao chan, you're so cruel …" Shunsui groaned in pain with a very thick law book landed on top of his face. Passing out from that attack, Nanao sniffed in distain as she adjusted her glasses, quietly blushing at the same time.

Ukitake had taken a break from his prayers to take a look at the damages in his household, when he saw a scene that made his jaw dropped and his blood ran ice cold. Apparently Tatsuki had discarded her weapon in favor of kicking Renji, only to have her leg being caught by the latter and him stroking her leg in a very seductive manner.

Actually, she wanted to kick Renji in the vitals, but he caught her leg with his thighs as his hands were busy blocking off blows and his mouth still taunting her. This would be a funny sight if they were in any other situation, but when a father sees this…

It was granted that Ukitake wanted Tatsuki to be happily married, but not to a man who will mistreat a woman by touching those forbidden areas before marriage! Somehow marrying Tatsuki off and worrying about the punk's funeral had lost its appeal, and all he wanted now is to stop the battle and personally kill the invader on the spot for doing all the perverted things on his eldest daughter. Upon that thought, the head of the Jyuushiro family stood up and stormed straight to the eye of the storm, not caring whether he had trodden on the audience's hands or feet. After shoving and bashing his way through, he managed to get to the centre, only to receive a Ming vase on his face before embracing the darkness.

"Eh? Papa!" Tatsuki cried in horror, as she realized that one of her missiles had somehow hit the wrong target. She put her battle to an immediate halt as she rushed to her unconscious father's side. Renji in the meanwhile quickly scurried over too, guilty of being a part of injuring his future father in law.

Tatsuki's fear was unfounded however, when she saw Retsu attending to Ukitake. Tatsuki then breathed a sigh of relief after Retsu allayed her fears and sent her comatose father to the hospital with a grumbling Kenpachi carrying him to the hospital. Renji looked at her for a while and was about to say something when they heard a loud groaning from behind. Renji and Tatsuki turned around and found an audience watching the both of them.

"Man, I can't believe it! This duel is a draw!" One of the men groaned as he saw the chance of gaining more money flying past.

"Yeah, but then I wish they had continued battling so that I have more data for my research," A white spiky hair old man cackled as he wiped off a trail of blood from his nose.

Tatsuki stared at them all with embarrassment and bloodlust building up by the minute. At the same time, Renji glared at the audience in blackest rage as he wondered exactly how much have they seen. Without even exchanging a single word, the two screamed as they descended down on the unfortunate souls, save an unconscious Shunsui on Nanao's lap, and Tatsuki's sisters.

One thing, however, is for sure; there is no place like hell when King Kong and Godzilla wreaked havoc together. Plus the hospitals were going to be full on that night.

t.b.c.

Winter-chan: Hey minna, sorry for keeping you waiting for this chapter for long time as my school term had started and i had to study to make sure that I had to pass the modules this semester, plus I had been writing chapters for my other oncoming fic hence the long wait and delay. The current battle omake was based on the Germany world cup and I had intended to finish writing before it ended but unfortunately with the above circumstances and writer's block. I thought of using the Japanese fighting and it is based from the angelic layer. The words spoken by Winter-chan were spoken by Kurosaki Ichigo during the World cup episode. The perverted old man is from Naruto that I will leave for you all to guess who as he will be mentioned once or twice. I reedited the chapter as I felt that the monologue did not seem be funny hence the new omake for you all to enjoy. A very big thanks to Scales the dog for helping me edit this chapter despite his very busy schedule.

I hope this chapter is up to your liking and have a nice laugh over it, even though the lime part was very crappy. I like to thank my great fellow readers for reading and reviewing this fic...

Real-Kill: Thanks for liking this interesting and corrupted plot. Hope you will like and forgive over this chapter. It's nice knowing that someone shares the same couples with me yay.

Aeolus the Soul Hunter: Glad that you like that funny song and thanks for your understanding to Renji's clueless ness. Well isn't Zaraki supposed to be scary? lol even I myself is surprised over his fetish for dolls. ;)

ice illuser: Glad that you love the song. :D

Brok3n Ragd0ll: Thanks for understanding Shunsui typo error, well let's say that Shunsui had copied some song from somewhere and was so engrossed with the 'oh my darling' part that he didn't take note that he was practically insulting and cursing her of her inability to swim with the rest of his lyrics. Let's say that I'm a very evil and sadist writer. XD

Kawaii Eyez: Glad that you like the randomly funny plot. Hope this will spilt your sides. (crosses fingers at the point)

I hope you all will forgive this crappy limey and lemony chapter and have it in your generous hearts to review this chapter. So please review. So until the next chapter ja ne oh.


	5. 3: Wooing of Tatsuki

**Omake:**

That night while Renji and Tatsuki were politely sending their guests out of the Ukitake household through the window and the door, Ichigo along with a petite dark haired lady were standing right in front of the Karakura Clinic. They kept glancing at each other nervously as they watched the door.

"Well, Rukia, here we are, welcome to my household." Ichigo told her simply as he inserted the key to the keyhole and placed his hand on the doorknob. He glanced at her sheepishly before taking a deep breath. She smiled nervously back at him.

"So this is it." Ichigo replied as he was about to open the door for her only to find himself acquainted to the wall before slumping down to the ground and wincing in pain as Isshin and his two younger sisters, Karin and Yuzu dressed in cute little nurse uniforms equipped with medical supplies, barged out of the clinic in such urgency that put anyone to shame.

"Yosh, Karin, Yuzu, let's head out for there are patients that are in need of our care. Let's go!" Isshin cried out as they dashed out of the clinic, dragging a baffled Rukia along with them to the site.

"Oei, I'm also in need of medical attention here." Ichigo yelled croakily at them as he winced in pain from the injuries of his face and his hand. He crawled with great difficulty towards them to stop them from whisking his fiancé away from him to the war zone…

**Chapter 3: Wooing of Tatsuki**

Renji was lying on the bed, reading and flipping through a pink floral covered book labeled: 'Getting your dream girl without a single hitch by Katen Kyoukotsu'. After spending almost five hours of flipping the pages and reaching to the end of the book only to find the conclusion was: 'the principle of getting her to fall in love with you was there was none to it.' Upon those words, Renji just blinked and flung the book across the room in frustration, unable to believe that he wasted his time reading it and not understanding a single thing and it just boiled down to this? He groaned as he sat up on his bed and buried his face in his hands. How is he going to woo Tatsuki? Granted that five days back they did not exactly started on the right foot. It wasn't his fault that he had met men who were feminine enough to pass off as women and her short spiky hair didn't assist and certify that she was a woman.

But during their battle, he was impressed by her stubbornness and determination and as well as her passion, even though he had the upper hand from insulting her on her gender. Upon that thought he recalled the images of their battle that made him subconsciously wiped the blood off his nose. Scratch that he just didn't notice that she was a girl. He sighed as he racked his brains for an inspiration to get her attention. Seemed like him talking about Rukia being the only fish in his life was history as he concentrated all his efforts to capture the most elusive fish of all, the one named Ukitake Tatsuki.

"Oh well, hanging around here won't do me any good, might as well head out and plan what to do along the way." Renji sighed as he exited out of the room and into the hallway only to be knocked down by a bickering duo.

"Oei, Kotsubaki get out of my way, I need to prepare for Ukitake_-sama_'s return!" A short haired girl yelled at a broom haired guy, not noticing Renji whom they plowed down in their quest to please Ukitake Jyuushiro.

"Me? You get out of _my _way Kotsetsu, by the way I think we had run down Abarai_-san_." Kotsubaki shot back causing them to screech to a halt. They quickly walked back to where trampled Renji was lying and was about to fight to ask whether was he alright.

"Kiyone, Sentaro what are you doing here? Aren't you both supposed to be out shopping?" Tatsuki asked with a puzzled look on her face as she noticed the fighting duo in the middle of the hallway.

"Tatsuki_-sama_!" both of them cried out as they rushed and fight for Tatsuki's attention to the point that they nearly strangled each other on the spot. Tatsuki had to intervene to break up their fight before they suffocated themselves to death.

"Anyway why don't you both go and buy the things on the list now for I heard that there is a sale at the Meji-ya supermarket." Tatsuki replied causing them to gasp in realization and rushed out of the house and plowing Renji at the same time, just to be there before the crowds arrive there and to get the best bargains without fighting each other along the way.

"Haiz, really can't they go about doing things without even fighting at all?" Tatsuki sighed as she left the area not noticing a trampled and stomped on Renji lying on the ground. Renji started at her profile and suddenly had an idea on gain her hand when he felt a sudden wave of killer intent from behind him, he turned around and found a very pissed off Ishida and Hitsugaya glaring daggers at him.

"Damn you traitor, how dare you do this to us? After all that we done for you and this is how you repay us?" they roared at him, causing him to blink at them.

"Come to think of it, oh yar where were you? When I was wandering around here and as well as the streets, I couldn't find you two." Renji asked as he scratched his temple causing the two of them to be introduced face down to the ground.

"I guess I will take back the idiot, you in fact are a MORON!" Hitsugaya roared at him causing him to have an eye twitch.

"A moron! For your information, I'm not and in fact I have a plan, I guess both of you haven't even come up with one." Renji replied very smugly causing them to look very sheepishly as none of them had ever thought of a single back up plan to deal with Tatsuki.

"Come to think of it, so Abarai_-sama, _would you be kind and generous enough to enlighten us with the workings of your great plan?" both of them asked sarcastically only to make Renji to smirk at them.

"Sure, why not, let's huddle." Renji replied happily as the trio huddled into a small tight circle as he gathered information on their strengths and providing the information to his plan causing them to exclaim in disbelief.

"I can't believe that you are going to make us do that, this plan stinks." Both of them hissed at Renji who just gave them a blank look.

"You think this plan is stupid. So can you think of _better_ one?" Renji asked with a bored tone causing them to exchange glances at each other.

"Nope, we don't even have a single one." Both of them admitted very reluctantly with gritted teeth after an eternity of silence had passed between them.

"Then stick to the plan, boys." Renji drawled with a superior air causing them to swear at their luck as lady luck had decided to have fun at the duo's expenses.

"May I ask what are you doing here crouching along my hallways, _Abarai-san_?" Jyuushiro spoke up in acid dripping tone that could erode the toughest metal. Everyone except Renji within the vicinity; felt the chill running down their spines with haste upon picking up his tone as they could feel such raw intensity of bloodlust emitting out from him. Gentle Jyuushiro was then fantasizing about grabbing two blunt swords to bestow Renji new tattoos and as well as a free gender change upon witnessing him in his own house. Both Ishida and Hitsugaya took very deep gulps of air even though it was not directed at them; they unconsciously started inching backwards towards the exit to take flight.

"Ah, Toshiro_-_san, Uryuu-san, how are you? You are just in time to have some tea. I believe that Orihime had baked some of her special mocha wasabi cookies for tea." Jyuushiro asked with a kind smile gracing his face as he welcomed them except Renji whom he treated with disdain. Unfortunately both of them found themselves to have flashbacks of their lives starting from their childhood up to their present life, although they had not offended him. Even their faces started to match Hitsuguaya's snowy white hair. Renji meanwhile had a feeling that he would rather face Byakuya than Jyuushiro as Byakuya was much predictable than Jyuushiro who had a maniacal glint in his eye. Renji quickly shoved the idea into the wastepaper basket as he addressed Jyuushiro with a stunning and innocent smile that any lady would die for. But Jyuushiro wasn't even impressed by his smile as he glowered with abhorrence at him.

"Ahh, old man, I am here to seek permission from you for my buddies, Ishida and Hitsugaya to teach her how to sew and play chess, for me to teach her how to love a man." Renji replied very proudly, puffing his chest out. Jyuushiro just raised an eyebrow at his statement.

"Teaching her how to love a man?" Jyuushiro echoed with mistrust causing Ishida and Hitsuguaya to squirm and curse Renji over his choice of words.

"Yup." Renji replied very cheerfully not noticing the suspicious glint in his eye.

"Then pray enlighten me on how will you make her love a man, while these two gentlemen impart their knowledge of their talents to my eldest girl." Jyuushiro replied very silkily as he dispatched a very busty honey blonde servant to lead Ishida and Hitsuguaya who were fighting an urge to make the sign of the cross and utter the prayer of protection from various religions.

'You think you could pull wool over my eyes? Ha! Think again buster for I have eaten more salt than you have eaten rice.' Jyuushiro thought as he watched Renji, guessing what was in Renji's mind as he used be one of them when he courted his late wife in his youth.

'Come on, chess and sewing are non-violent activities. We mustn't panic!' They thought very desperately as they tried to quell their fears for the dragon princess without fail as they were dragged to their impending doom by the ditzy and busty attendant.

At the departure of the unfortunate souls, the two combatants faced each other, staring and sizing at each other with the wind howling within the background accompanied by the high pitch wail of the guqin as they braced themselves for the battle of twenty questions over a hot cup of green tea where only one could emerge as the victor.

Two hours later …

"So you are running a dojo that conducts karate and the kendo in Kyoto." Jyuushiro slurred after gulping sixty cup of warm sake. Somehow in the midst of battle, the busty blonde servant who had returned to served them their drinks, had decided to spice it up a little by spiking the tea with sake and served the combatants without their knowledge. After serving many rounds of the spiked tea, she then switched to serving sake after she deemed that they were too drunk to tell what they were exactly drinking.

"Yup, so does it mean that I can marry your daughter, Tatsuki, old man?" Renji hiccupped after downing his cup of sake. Jyuushiro giggled at his statement before replying.

"Well …" Jyuushiro trailed off when he saw Ishida who looked like a porcupine with the needles on him, was being helped by a bleeding and battered Hitsugauya who was sporting a chessboard on his head, limped into the hallway. The luckless duo then settled down to have a cup of tea. Silence seemed to regain once more, that only the sounds of the bamboo fountain at the Zen garden could be heard throughout the background.

"So … how were the lessons? Will my daughter be a good seamstress or a chess master?" Jyuushiro asked hopefully as he imagined his daughter's accomplishments upon their tutelage.

"Her? Well she will make a better assassin and Kenpachi or Soi Fong will gladly employ her on the spot." Both Ishida and Hitsuguaya replied very angrily especially Ishida who spoke in a very high squeaky voice. Their comments caused his dreams of her to shatter and caused Jyuushiro to sink into depression and drowned his cup of sake and Renji to blink at their appearance.

"What exactly happened?" a red faced Renji belched, causing them to scrunch their noses in disgust upon smelling his alcoholic breath.

"Well, after that servant lead us there …" both of them recounted, starting with Hitsuguaya first.

---Beginning of Flashback ---

"Oei, bed-wetter Momo, this is not how you play chess!" Hitsuguaya yelled at Tatsuki who got bored at the fundamentals of the game and had decided to improvise the game by converting it to carrom version of removing Histuguaya's pieces by flicking her pieces at them to a corner.

"What did you call me?" Tatsuki asked very guardedly and calmly. Hitsugauya did not notice the danger as at beginning of the lesson he had replaced her with a lovely visage of Momo to avoid having a stage fright. And he was still picturing Momo scowling at him upon that nickname.

"Bed-wetter Momo!" He replied with a conceited smirk on his face. Only to have the chessboard as a head piece when Tatsuki rammed it down on his head and pelted him with the chess pieces after she found out that the no-good cur was actually hitting on her sister in his day dream, even though her youngest sister wasn't with them.

------End of flashback -----

"I can't believe you went and fantasized about Momo-san right in front of her …" Ishida muttered in his very high and squeaky voice. Hitsugaya glared at him angrily but Ishida did not seem fazed by his glare. Ishida then picked up on what happened to him when it was his turn to teach her ….

-----Beginning of Flashback-------

"NO Ukitake-san! Your stitches are uneven and can't even hold the cloth properly! You must do like this!" Ishida snapped as he picked on her uneven stitches on the cloth and demonstrated his skill of the cloth to her by transforming an ordinary textile to a beautiful dress with ribbons, frills and lace on it. Ishida had somehow lost his fear of her the moment his hand touched the fabric.

After watching his demonstration, Tatsuki scowled and tried to imitate his actions with a new piece of fabric but he didn't seem to be very satisfied with her progress with it.

"Not like that! You shouldn't let your stitches show on the cloth! You spoil the cloth at this rate!" He growled as he picked on her poor workmanship with the textile. Unfortunately his astounding talent and scathing comments aggravated her so much that she had found another use for needles. She hurled them straight at him with a perfect aim and accuracy at various pressure points ….

---- End of flashback ---------

"Bwahahahaha! I can't believe that you both did that!" Renji roared with laughter as he clutched his sides to calm himself. "She has a lot of guts and I love her ten times more than ever! I'm even eager to see her again!" he exclaimed very loudly causing everyone to wince at his voice. Jyuushiro just raised an eyebrow at the cheerful Renji who guzzled another cup of sake.

"Meeting my girl? Well I could say … no." Jyuushiro refused in a deadpan tone, wiping the eager looks off Ishida and Hitsuguaya s' faces. Renji didn't seem to be disappointed by his refusal; in fact he was in fact prepared for it. He imitated his opponent's pose.

"Is it?" Renji asked with a very poker straight face. Jyuushiro nodded his head in affirmation. Renji slowly shook his head in disappointment, incurring Jyuushiro's curiosity.

"Well it's such a pity especially that day while you were away, we … psst …psst…." Renji trailed off as he bent forward and whispered into Jyuushiro's ear. Both Ishida and Hitsugauya strained their eyes and ears to catch what was Renji whispering into Jyuushiro's ear. Unfortunately the view of his lips was blocked by his hands. So they made to do by watching the change of colors on Jyuushiro's face from healthy cream color to red with embarrassment and white with shock.

"Wh … WHAT?" Jyuushiro sputtlered and started coughing very hard and sprayed crimson fluid at Renji's face due to an incoming fit. The trio started to panic at the sigh of blood on the spot. He was trying very hard to bring his fit under control when Shunsui and Isshin waltzed into his household. They quickly pounded his back to let Jyuushiro's fit to subside.

"I can't believe it! You go and see her and have my blessing over the marriage!" Jyuushiro gasped very hoarsely as he continued vomiting causing everyone in the room except Renji around him to raise their eyebrow in surprise at his sudden proclamation.

"What exactly happened?" Isshin and Shunsui asked with concern as they wondered what caused Jyuushiro's state of distress. The last time they saw him in that condition was when he was worried about Tatsuki's lack of love life. When Jyuushiro feel the fit subsiding, he motioned them to come nearer as he whispered the news to them, much to Ishida and Hitsugauya s' ire as they were being kept out of the loop again. Isshin and Shunsui upon hearing from their frail friend wore amused looks, especially Shunsui who rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Why Renji, you lucky bastard! I'm glad that my book did help you regarding to the matters of the heart eh." Shunsui leered as he pounded Renji's back very hard; Isshin congratulated him heartily with tears streaming down his face. As Isshin's news regarding about Ichigo's marriage to Rukia seemed to be nothing to hearing this tasty news. However Renji ignored them as he wiped the crimson fluid off his face before stomping straight towards the bathroom to get cleaned. Jyuushiro stared at him with horror written on his face at his bosom comrades' betrayal

"HOW COULD YOU SUPPORT THAT SCAMBAG! Anyway, Uryuu-san and Toshiro-san, why don't you let Isshin-san attend to your wounds before you both tutor Momo and Orihime-chan as they will be willing to learn from you." Jyuushiro informed the injured duo. Isshin then turned his attention on them like a vulture swooping down on its prey. Jyuushiro then let out a sigh of anguish.

"Now if you please excuse me, I think I need to go for some skinny-dipping." He groaned as he headed towards the pond. His departure left his guest to stare at him in confusion.

"Skinny-dipping? Man that's a side of Jyuushiro that I have never seen before. We should rope in Renji if we want to include him in our future excursions." Both Isshin and Shunsui spoke as they watched his departing figure in amazement.

Meanwhile Renji was wandering around the huge hallways of Ukitake household once more to find his draconian beauty and muttering to himself at the same time.

"Damn! I forgot to ask old man where Tatsuki's room is. I don't think I want to ask those two crazy servants." Renji shuddered as he imagined Kotsubaki and Kotsetsu pulling him from limb to limb for his attention.

Just then his prayers were answered as he collided into the Queen of dragons.

"Oei! Watch where you are going, you oaf!" Tatsuki yelled as she shoved him off her. Upon closer examination, she recognized the person before her. Her normally scowling features blackened even further upon seeing him.

"YOU TEME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" She yelled pointing her finger at him. Renji no doubt held no fear for the fiercest lady of Karakura town but he couldn't help swallowing the excessive juices in his mouth down to his gullet. No doubt he had a plan to snare his raging goddess … but to put it into execution … well ... that's an entirely different matter. Time seemed to stand still as they stood there gazing into each other's eyes very 'lovingly' with exchanging of electricity included, not paying attention to the world around them. They were practically standing still like imbeciles till Tatsuki then turned her head in revulsion and gave the monkey boy a cold shoulder.

Renji was wondering what to do next as his mind was totally blank, saved for one sentence from Shunsui's pink book that kept echoing in his head: When you woo a lady, give her a nickname and praise her for her virtues … including her non-existence ones.

Upon remembering those words, Renji decided to go for all for nothing and smoked his way through. His blank face then took on a gleeful look as he cleared his throat.

"Konnichiwa Tsuki-chan!" Renji greeted very cheerfully that the wildlife within the five meters radius of the region evacuated immediately on the dot due to the pure intensity of his voice. She whipped her head towards him in surprise.

"What did you call me?" she growled at him. Renji just looked at her with such innocence before replying once more.

"Tsuki-chan!" Tatsuki's eyebrow twitched at the nickname but she did not launch any attacks on him.

"My name is Tatsuki! Damnit!" she snarled back at him who continued maintaining his innocent façade.

"Why? 'Tsuki-chan' sounds much cuter and better than the 'dragon bitch' or 'Dragons Step Past Out Of Clear Revulsion'. But Tsuki-chan is the most beautiful Tsuki in the whole world including the nice big breasts and the small waist." Renji exclaimed very loudly causing her to blush terribly at the latter part. She suddenly found the ceiling very interesting, missing his loud proclamation of her gentleness and him going to marry her.

Renji noticed her lack of attention that he cut short in his tirade of her outstanding qualities. He then stared at her blankly again just as the first sentence that came echoing in his mind, another one suddenly popped out replacing the first sentence … like all male animals perform a song or dance to impress the females in the midst of courtship. The louder and brighter they flaunt, the higher chances of getting the females as their mates … so growl go get her tiger …

His face brightened up once more as he cleared the phlegm out of his throat again.

"Well, Tsuki-chan, I have a song for you, hope you will like it." He spoke up; noticing Tatsuki developed a slight twitch before launching into a song in a sexy baritone tone that was enough to make any ladies swoon and scream to have his babies at the sound of his voice:

Fly me to the moon  
Let me sing among those stars  
Let me see what spring is like  
On jupiter and mars

In other words, hold my hand  
In other words, Tsuki kiss me …

As he was about to follow up with fill my heart with song; he was suddenly decked across the face by Tatsuki who did not want to hear anymore of his nonsense. Renji flew a good couple of meters away from her. He then sat up and rubbed the sore spot gingerly.

"Nice punch Tsuki-chan! But my granny punched much better and harder than you." He spoke very simply along with a shrug thrown along side with it.

'Ignore him. Ignore him.' Tatsuki was chanting in her mind throughout the whole meeting but her efforts were in vain as his voice kept drowning the chants in her head and to hear him making fun of her sucker punch like that, her thoughts came to a screeching halt. 'Screw it … KILL THAT BLOODY BASTARD!' she ranted as she launched straight at him with full intention of strangling him in every painful method she can think of on the spot. Just then Jyuushiro entered just in time to see her straddling on top of the lord of the apes who managed to wrap his arms around her waist. He took in the sight before straightening his back very stiffly.

"I can't help it; she can't seem to take her eyes and arms off me when I spoke to her." Renji replied very cheerfully as he witnessed the myriad changes of colors on Jyuushiro once more as he took very deep breaths to suppress his crimson fits again.

"I see," Jyuushiro spoke very stiffly that led Renji wondering whether Byakuya and Jyuushiro were related to each other as they looked like they were in need of loosening up.

"It will take place at the beginning of summer." Jyuushiro informed them before leaving them to their own devices, not noticing that he left a stunned Tatsuki who could not make a head or tail of the whole situation.

"Oei, teme, what's going on here?" she spat out the words at Renji and regretted asking him, as his feral grin seemed to split his face.

"Why … Tsuki-chan, didn't you know?" he asked with surprise, she nodded her head. The way he spoke gave her a very bad vibe about it.

"Well, Tsuki-chan, your pops approved of our union and … WE ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED!" Renji yelled very excitedly. Tatsuki then stared at him blankly and within her life as a tomboy, Tatsuki did a first most lady-like thing … she fainted.

t.b.c.

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Winter-chan: Heya, sorry for the slow update as you see I have a bit of writer's block and took up a temporary part-time job to get my dream nintendo ds and as well as some certain games. hehe ... Anyway back to the story: the title of the pink book and the last sentence were actually inspired from Hitch where this love doctor dispensing dating/ love advice to the loveless. The sounds of the guqin (a chinese string instrument) idea was orginated from those chinese wuxia flicks where the two duelists confronted each other for the battle. Hope you like this chapter and very big thanks to Ayako Nazuki for the pointers, suggestions and role play for certain scenes ...

I like to thank the readers who took the time to read and review:

: Well I hope this chapter explains why Renji no baka mistook Tatsuki as a boy. hehe

ice illuser: hope you like this chpt and looks like Renji won this round and ya Poor Ukitake... but oh well at least he will have grandkids to fuss about.

Demonic-Little-Angel: thks for pointing out the confusion regarding to the two beasts, that this chpt is goin to stick to their respective names. hope you will enjoy readin it.

Hope everyone will be inspired to review this chpt and I will treat everyone to the sight where all the male bleach characters don the tutus and do the can-can dance. . So until the next time/ chpt, see ya.


	6. 4: The Marriage Finally

News of the marriage between Tatsuki and Renji spread throughout Karakura City like wildfire sparking hope in the males as they duked amongst themselves using whatever martial arts they possessed of, to see who would marry her sisters, ignoring Jyuushiro's decree, demolishing any buildings that they come in contact with andthroughout the whole city. In the midst of the said brawl, one of the said brawlers got himself flung towards a café and smashed into a table disrupting a certain diminutive red head lady's meal, causing the fiery red-head to join in the fray to display her wrestling prowess over their loss of meal and with her tall blonde boyfriend protecting her back and bemoaning the fate of their lost meal.

With such violence and disorder echoing throughout the whole city, causing Kenpachi along with his whole police squad to restore law and order back to the town. Much to his disappointment as he was very sorely attempted to hunt out the strongest especially Kurosaki Ichigo to test out his skills once more. But alas duty needs to be seen to, so he reluctantly imposed a curfew to the town.

Despite of that, no one seemed to be fazed by it at all, in fact they all crushed themselves in one small apartment, having a time of their lives, namely throwing a huge bachelor party for Abarai Renji in a big send off towards the unknown chartered waters to hell known as marriage.

"KAMPAI!!!" the idiotic looking brunette yelled as he raised his mug of beer in the air as he hooted loudly his congratulations to the said man.

"True Abarai-san, like Keigo-san says congratulations for the wedding." The demure black haired boy hiccupped as he downed the cup of sake.

"So Abarai-san, spare us the details. Was she a tiger?" Shunsui leered as he was having a ball of his life as his wife, Nanao, was busy chaperoning the makeover of Tatsuki who was screeching and protesting that she would not marry a certain monkey king and the makeover not even a fifty foot pole. Renji rubbed the spot on his jaw just where Tatsuki had decked him and gave a very thoughtful look.

"Yup, she is really a tiger and she screams really loudly." Renji innocently replied as he recalled their fight, fortunately Jyuushiro due to his poor health was unable to attend the party, or else he would do something terrible that consisted of impaling Renji with stakes and liquefying his internal organs upon hearing these words.

"Ah, that's satisfied my curiosity and to congratulate you I like to give you this." Shunsui beamed very brightly after wiping off the blood from his nasal as he handed a book titled 'Kamasutra' to Renji, soon it was followed by the others not wanting to be outdone by the others. Isshin handed a very big bottle of Viagara along with a bottle of Tongkat Ali, whom Isshin conspiratorially added if that did not work then that herb might perform the wonders in their sexual life with a very flirtatious wink thrown along with it causing many who were sober enough to raise their eyebrows.

Even the normally shy Hanataro gave Renji some CDs that he had innocently stol- I mean borro- wait I mean-obtained from the hospital. That he also added that might widen and improve their experience.

"Do you know that you and your girlfriend thrashed me so badly back there that I could barely walk or even write for months …" The tall white haired man with red tear streaks under his eyes lamented as he gave a disapproving frown at Renji who was not bothered by it. In fact he gave the old pervert the middle finger for his pervert ness. The old man was not even fazed by the insult as his somber face in fact took up a perverted look and gave double thumbs up sign at him.

"But then, your explosive relationship gave me so much inspiration for my latest book, and from the bottom of my heart as the icha icha paradisu series author, I, Jiraiya, like to present you this!" he gushed as he whipped out a book from the inside pocket of the vest, titled 'Icha Icha Violence' along with a tall pile of previous volumes of the Icha Icha Paradisu series in front of Renji. The sight of them was enough to make a certain masked silver haired guy with his right eye covered in an eye patch's single eye widen in wonder and disbelief. The masked silver haired guy then quickly made his way towards Renji who was flipping through the contents of the book to see how much torture could he come up with to_ thank_ the lecher for his 'gift' and slung his arm around Renji's shoulder.

"Ah, Renji-san long time no see, how are you?" the silver haired man drawled causing Renji to raise his eyebrow at him.

"Who are you besides that you are the owner of this apartment?" Renji asked with suspicion in his voice. The silver haired Cyclops then expressed a mock look of hurt but Renji was not even bothered at it.

"Ah … you wound me … how can you forget me Hatake Kakashi, we met at Camp Konoha when we were in our teens." Kakashi replied with his mind focused on and fingers itching to get that uber rare volume that will not be released until a month later. Renji then slammed the book shut but his actions didn't seem to faze Kakashi at all.

"OH …. That! Oh course I remembered especially you put that … (beep beep)… snake among my belongings and stole my clothes while I was bathing and threw them up that (tooot) tree that was (beep beep beep ) high and did I mentioned that I was chased and stung by those (tooot) bees while climbing up there without wearing anything at all! Including tossing me into that (tooot) deep pond with what's his name Aso- something. " Renji asked very calmly as his voice seemed to increase in volume causing Kakashi to shiver and look nervously.

"Um… Sorry I think I got the wrong person." Kakashi mumbled as he scooted away from the raging ape who looked like he wanted to execute very violent moves inspired from the said book on him (Not that type of moves! Ye Perverts) and screaming about Kakashi forcing him to go to the infirmary and stealing a particular blonde nurse with one good rack, Tsunade's undergarments and wearing them incurring her wrath and bloodlust, causing Jiraiya to scribble furiously in his little black notebook and giggled pervertedly for his next upcoming volume ….

**Chapter 4: The Marriage …Finally **

On the wedding day, it was a grand and elaborate affair; everyone contributed their efforts even up to the last minute to ensure that this wedding go off in a big bang. The sun shined brilliantly, the puffy clouds lazily drifted by lending shade to the Ukitake household gardens creating a very cool and comfortable weather for the wedding to be held outdoors and the birds were singing their blessings to the soon to be wedded couple and not littering the ground with their droppings for once. In the middle of the garden, the five stories high wedding cake- thankfully not created by Orihime- stood majestically among the deceptively innocent food- is it me or does the beef look purple and the chicken looks greenish yellow? Anyway a scowling and fuming Tatsuki was standing at the aisle, being unable to get out of the marriage, was dressed in elaborate white satin wedding gown decked with sequins, lace and diamonds and embroidered with flowers and butterflies on it and was ready to be given away and get married. The gardens were packed as none of the guests were late and wanted to miss this very memorable event for never have they dreamed that the harpy would be finally hitched and they wanted to see the _unlucky _bastard in person. Speaking of the groom …_where is he?_

Renji cursed very loudly, driving toards the venue at an insane speed. He could not believe that he had practically _overslept_ on his big day…

Beginning of flashback

"Damn, why must I be the one?" Kakashi grumbled as he poked the slumbering boxer clad Renji without any interest in the attempt to wake the ape king up for his wedding in time for his own fiancé had practically threatened him to be on time to witness the event or else … he shivered at the thought. So far his attempts were unsuccessful as his 'tenant' just flipped to one side and sucked his thumb. Kakashi wanted to scream in frustration at the sight as time seemed to be ticking too fast for his liking.

"Oei, Renji, time to wake up, for there is a wedding for you to be there." Kakashi growled as he booted Renji's ribs very painfully enough to be wake but Renji just smack his foot away.

"Mommy, I dun wanna to go to school, the boys are mean and icky." Renji whined in his sleep causing Kakashi's uncovered eye to widen in surprise.

'That will be a very nice blackmail especially I need to get some favors from him.' Kakashi thought. 'Anyway, seems like I have to do _this_!' he put his two forefingers together and thrust them straight into the area … where solid waste had to pass thru … effectively waking Renji up.

"**KONOHAGAKURE FURUI TAIJUTSU SUUKOUJUTSU: ITAMI no SENNEN**!" (Hidden Leaf Ancient Taijutsu Supreme Technique: 1,000 Years of Pain)

"YEOWWWWWW!!!" Renji jumped up his bed and nearly crashed into the ceiling from the sheer pain from his –umm- rear. As he landed on the firm ground called earth in a very painful manner, a very pissed gorilla emerged from the ground and grabbed hold of Kakashi's shirt ready to maul him into pieces.

"What in the nine levels of hell did you do that for!" his grip on Kakashi's shirt tightened as he growled out his rage. Kakashi just merely showed him the alarm clock that he quickly grabbed, praying that he would be spared from the impending violence. Renji's eyes widen at the time displayed on the clock. Screaming all sorts of vulgarities that could (not) be found in the dictionary, he scrambled from the floor, grabbing whatever clothes he could find. As Renji hurried to dress himself, his pants zipper got caught onto his flesh, causing him to squeal very loudly and hopped around in pain. Kakashi meanwhile watched the scene in amusement not lifting a single finger to assist the poor bridegroom….

End of flashback

Renji reached the Ukitake household in time to bump into a black faced Jyuushiro who was stewing in anger as Jyuushiro was beginning to suspect that Renji at the last moment had decided to become the run away bridegroom and was about to hunt him down without any mercy for knocking up his daughter (which Renji did not do at all).

"Ah, you are finally here, Abarai-san … WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" Jyuushiro looked with shock and distaste over Renji's state of apparel which consisted of an unbuttoned and untucked crumpled shirt showing his abs, unbuckled belt and unzipped pants that had seen better days of laundry.

"THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY FOR CRIPES SAKE!" Jyuushiro dragged Renji in an attempt to lead him to the changing room to change into more suitable clothes. But somehow Renji ended up leading Jyuushiro towards the wedding reception.

"What! Tsuki-chan is marrying me, not my clothes. Be glad that I did not come here in buff!" Renji exclaimed very stubbornly and loudly as they reached the place just in time for the ladies to hear Renji's protest and started to have very impure thoughts about him and swooned with massive nosebleeds after seeing his toned and ripped body and their men-folk started to crack their knuckles. The wedding then started without any delays despite the beginning hiccups.

"Ahem, ahem, cough, wheeze, we are here today to gather to …" Shigekuni Yamamoto-Genryūsai intoned, but was interrupted by the monkey god.

"Stuff it you $$&& old windbag! The way you !#$#$ conducting this, you are holding a funeral!" Renji cursed at the priest, earning himself dark looks from the said priest, Jyuushiro and some of the guests, but he was not even fazed by them at all. The priest then resumed giving his speech, but once again interrupted by Renji's swearing, but his swears were so unrefined and crude that was enough for the elderly priest to drop the bible in shock and Tatsuki to stare at him in amazement. As the priest stooped down to retrieve the book, Renji beat him to it, by slamming the said book on his cranium and gave him such a cuff that poor Yamamoto fell to the ground and was knocked out cold. They had to replace him with his assistant, Sasakibe Choujirou, to proceed with the wedding. However Renji continued with his contribution of profanity that left the poor assistant and Tatsuki blushing and trembling with fear.

"Shit! What have I gotten myself into?" that was the only thought echoing in their minds. Once exchanging the vows minus the kissing after receiving patented death glares courtesy from Jyuushiro and Tatsuki much to the male audience's dismay, well things went practically downhill to a disaster when it came to the drinking of the sake. Renji just drank half of his cup and threw the rest of it to the shocked assistant's face. Instead of apologizing, Renji roared with laughter at the sight. Everyone in the garden shot him with glares.

"What! His mustache looks so thirsty so I gave it a drink." Renji replied giving a much original innocent look that any five year old child could pull off, robbing everyone of their ability of speech. Never had they witness such a mad wedding that you really doubt the mental capacity of the groom. Renji had decided to go wild from the beginning to see his plan to temper with his new shrewish bride. After everyone had recovered themselves, they then turned their attention to the feast that Jyuushiro, Orihime and plus many others had so lavishly prepared for them. However Renji had other plans.

"Sorry, folks, looks like Tsuki-chan is coming home with me" Renji announced to the crowd who just blinked stupidly. When it finally sink into their minds …

"WHAT!!!!"

"How can you do this? How can you miss this once in this lifetime when the all the flames of youth have come together to become one?" a green spandex clad teenager with big round eyes, bushy eyebrows and a bow cut hairstyle exclaimed in horror upon hearing the announcement.

"Yosh Lee! With your youthful speech, the flames of youth will be ignited once more!" the older version of the said boy leapt out of nowhere showing the thumb up sign and flashing his sparkling smile blinding everyone on the spot. The wedding reception suddenly disappeared and in its place was a setting sunset on a tropical beach as the bushy eyebrow duo ran forward intending to embrace each other.

"GAI SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

While they are racking up time, air and page space with their cries and hugging, their male bonding had practically scarred everyone on the spot and the image was burnt right into their retinas that no matter how much soap and lye they used, they were unable to wash away that horrendous image. As their cries getting higher, louder and more frantic, a freckled faced straw blonde teenager couldn't stand it any longer; she whipped up a sandal out of nowhere and smacked the bushy eyebrows duo to oblivion, restoring the scene back to its original backdrop. Everyone was grateful for her intervention, even her grinning bowl- head boyfriend was glad for once that he was not at her receiving end.

"What do you mean that we are leaving now?" Tatsuki and Jyuushiro demanded at Renji who was just picking his nose.

"Why Tsuki-chan, Kyoto is a thousand miles away from here and will take hours as we are driving up there." Renji replied with a dead pan look on his face causing them to splutter.

"But … you mean you are not staying here for the feast?" Jyuushiro spluttered stupidly. Tatsuki started to panic as she heard from one of the maids, Matsumoto that once a woman get bonded with a man, and they will have to spend a night alone doing only god knew what ….

"What will our guest say if we leave like that? Papa will lose his face if we do that." Tatsuki pleaded very desperately hoping that she could at least delay the inevitable. Jyuushiro nodded his head in approval but Renji just give her a glance.

"Screw them, we are leaving now." he replied very simply, causing Tatsuki's eye to twitch in annoyance.

"You said you love me, prove it by staying here." Tatsuki snapped as she stomped her foot and pouted. Renji found that she looked very cute but he remained firm to his decision.

"DAMNIT! You said you love me! This is really bullshit! You want to go so badly then go! The door is open!" Tatsuki turned to the crowd. "Everyone let go ahead with the feast and ignore this fool."

"If you say so, Tsuki-chan!" The monkey-boy replied in a sing-song voice, as he swept Tatsuki up and flung the shocked dragoness over his shoulder and slapping her bum at the same time.

"Enjoy yourselves everyone, as my wife tells you. But I'm leaving with my wife." Renji informed the crowd cheerfully as he squeezed her rear. At these words, Tatsuki recovered from her shock and started to pound his back with her fists.

"PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT! PUT ME DOWN YOU BARBARIAN!" Tatsuki screamed loudly in hopes of freeing herself but to no avail.

"Why Tsuki-chan, I didn't know you are so eager to give me a back massage. Seems like we must hurry back home so that we can do it in my bedroom." Jyuushiro fainted after hearing Renji's cheeky reply. Tatsuki pounded even harder and faster to be free from his grasp, but Renji's face took a look of pleasure.

"Ohhhh…. Tsuki-chan how do you know that I like my back massages to be faster and harder." Renji moaned causing Tatsuki to stop her administration on the spot. As he was about to leave the place, his path was blocked by the busty honey blonde maid, Kiyone, a brunette who has a cloth hair ribbon tied on her head and the freckled straw blonde girl.

"STOP! YOU CAN'T LEAVE THIS PLACE!" the foursome replied in a very firm voice, glaring at the gorilla with menacing looks on their faces.

"Matsumoto! Ukyo! Hiyori! Kiyone!" Tatsuki cried with grateful tears streaming down her face as she gazed at her friends with a grateful smile on her face from the comfortable position that she was in but her happiness was short-lived.

"You can't leave this place without tossing the garter and the flowers to the crowd. The tradition should not be broken!" they gushed, causing Renji to smirk and Tatsuki to face vault.

"TRAITORS!" Tatsuki roared at the sudden betrayal, baring her fangs in anger at them. But they ignored her as they were eyeing at Renji.

"Karin-san, Orihime-san, why do they need to throw the garter thingy and the flowers away?" Rukia asked with a confused look on her face.

"Oh, Kuchiki-san, it's a tradition where if a lady catches the flowers thrown by the bride and the gentleman catches hold of the garter then they will be the next to get married. I hope I can catch hold of the flowers so that I can be with Ishida-kun." Orihime gushed in hopes that Ishida be the receiver of the said item. After hearing the reason behind this very strange tradition was enough to spark Rukia's interest that she prepared herself to catch hold of the flowers despite her horizontally challenged status and mentally hoped that Ichigo caught hold of the garter or else she would kick his ass.

"Why didn't you say so?" Renji grabbed the flowers that Tatsuki was holding and tossed it behind his back with such force; he had to dodge the trio as they rushed with such haste in a mad rush to be the one owning the bouquet. He then plunged his fingers underneath Tatsuki's skirt to tug her garter off her thigh, causing her to squirm and squeak at his action. The garter followed just after the flowers, turning every bosom friends into enemies as they rushed and fought among themselves to be the beholders of the said items. Renji quickly scooting away from the battle site along with a stunned Tatsuki slung on his shoulders. No one noticed as they were very busy ripping each others' hair and clothes and shoving each other to grasp the elusive items. Even fists and clothes were flying all over the place. The married couples including a few singles were passing popcorns around as they found the rugby from the stone ages highly amusing and entertaining that they did not interfere at all.

"Yosh! If I cannot get hold of the garter, then I will run five thousand laps around this beautiful city dressed only in a tutu!" Lee exclaimed as he rushed towards the flying garter but he received a flying kick by his teacher.

"Sorry Lee even though I support your endeavor with Sakura but I need to get hold of it so that I can get married to my pigtailed goddess." Gai yelled but was unfortunately was knocked unconscious by a sword wielding poetry sprouting samurai wannabe with intentions to getting married to his dream harem.

Tatsuki's eyes widen in surprise and her breath was taken away when she saw the wedding car. The car … well… was so battered that you might think that a rouge elephant did a very big number on it, the paint was peeling off from every nook and corner of the car, heck even the car door was swinging precariously from side to side. The car decorations consisting of can streamers, flower decorations could not even do justice to the car.

"So Tsuki-chan, how do you find this baby? I got this at a very good price. Even the seller decorated the car as well." At Renji's words, the car door had decided to give away and drop to the ground with a shuddering groan.

Meanwhile …

Everyone at the wedding venue blinked and was too stunned to even squeak as they stared at the receivers of the garter and flowers of discord for the next 'wedding'.

"Ow! Who in the bloody hell put a brick inside these weeds?" Ichigo groaned as he rubbed his poor aching crown as he was holding the said flowers in his free hand. He suddenly noticed the heavy silence in the air. He then looked up and saw everyone staring at him as if he was from outer space, even Rukia, he felt a thousand stabs in his heart, had a look of horror, pain, disbelief and despair written on her face. Rukia then pointed a shaking finger with tears spilling down her porcelain heart-shaped face. Feeling puzzled his gaze followed the direction in which her finger was pointing. His face was quickly drained of life-giving blood. The garter was innocently hanging over a clueless Kenpachi's hair spike, who was also wondering why one of his police staff, Ichinose, even his girlfriend Retsu were giving him such strange looks.

'Ew ... Renji, when we meet again, I'm gonna to gut you using a rusted butcher knife.' Ichigo was quaking and gawking at Kenpachi and found his hand was not responding at all.

T.B.C.

* * *

Winter-chan: Poor Ichigo ... I wonder how is he going to comfort Rukia who has been scarred for life... and at the same time hunt Renji. The waking up of the groom was inspired from one of my older sister's high school projects on the wedding cultures yeah. I hope that you all like the musk of lemon and lime fragance on this chapter... Man the garter part and the waking of the groom practically got me cracking and nearly admitted myself to the bedlam. Anyway ... All the Naruto, slayers, ranma 1/2 characters belong to their respective creators, i just simply kidnap and blackmail them thru various means as it's so troublesome to invite and negotiate with them... 

Meanwhile thanks to everyone for making my fic to hit a 31 reviews ... I'm so happy as it was my first fic to able to garner so much especially:

ice illuser: gee ... I was more in line of thinking poor shiro-chan and ishida and hope you are able to recognize ur favourite characters in this chapter.

ayako nazuki: thanks for enjoyin the previous one and hope you will enjoy this as well and laugh your heart out as well.

karenkate-kitty: thanks for loving the creative and sadist story and hope you like the slight ichiruki part.

(): yup well hope the misadventure of idiotic renji got u cracking.

next up: seems like renji's landlord have a lot of embrassing Renji stories to share ... how is Tsuki-chan goin to face Renji? Meanwhile could you all review to at least 10 reviews to encourage this poor Winter chan to write more... By the way before i go and to thank everyone I would to present you ...

All the bleach male captains from all 13 divisions, except Kurotsuchi and Yamamoto, to perform a striptease dance to the 'I'm too sexy' song ... C'mon shake ya booties as well.


	7. 5: The landlord

**Chapter 5: Landlord**

Well the trip to Kyoto was in fact was an eventful one, namely because the sorry excuse of a wedding car suddenly broke down in the middle of nowhere, eventually reducing our favorite newlyweds to a pair of squabbling preschooler kids.

"DAMNIT! You have no right to take me away from them! My sisters need me to protect them from those scums!" Tatsuki yelled as she furiously wiped away the tears from her eyes.

"SCUMS?" Renji echoed back, clearly insulted that she had labeled men as scums, including him. "Then what about your old man? Don't tell me he is also a scum!"

"Papa does not even count!"

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

At the Ukitake household,

"Cough! Cough! Hack! Ptui! Eh? What is this?" Jyuushiro wondered as he held a tiny, slimy, wet object, dripping with blood, in the palm of his hand.

"What is it? Let me see!" Shunsui enquired, peering at the object with everyone crowding around him. He gave it a poke.

"So warm and squishy! I want to poke some more!" Shunsui concluded before continuing to prod the said thing that made a very loud squishy sound.

Whereas Nanao, upon sensing the familiarity of the item, whipped out a thick medical book out of nowhere and started to refer to it. After finding what she wanted, she then deadpanned: "Shunsui, that's an uvula."

"What's an uvula?" Someone asked while the curious crowd nodded alongside with the person.

"It is a small mass of fleshy tissue that hangs from the back of the soft palate. Without it, it will lead to death." Nanao read out to her awaiting audience. Upon hearing that, Shunsui shrieked like a girl before fainting on the spot, followed by Jyuushiro.

"Shit! Everyone stay calm! Everyone take a deep breath!" Nanao commanded, taking control of the situation. A moment of silence followed where the whole household, including Nanao, obeyed and then …

"**KYAHHHH!"**

"**SOMEONE GET THE MEDIC!"**

"**SOMEBODY GET THE ICE BAG!"**

"**HERE, USE THIS!"**

"**ICE BAG! NOT ICE-CREAM YOU DOOFUS!"**

"**WE DON'T HAVE ONE!"**

"**FINE! PASS THE ICE-CREAM!"**

In the mad rush to send the uvula for surgery, no one noticed that they had taken the unconscious Shunsui instead of Jyuushiro with them to the hospital.

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Back to our 'loving' duo, they had finally reach Renji's apartment without any mishaps at three in the morning. Upon reaching, they were so tired to continue with their debate on whether men are scums, they headed straight to his bedroom and collapsed onto his bed without any complaints.

The next day, Renji was rudely awakened by loud banging on his apartment door.

"Damnit! Who is the SOB calling at this hour?" Renji snarled as he tried to shift to a much comfortable position, doing his best to drown out the loud knocking on his apartment door and return back to his dream of ravishing his dragon goddess. It was then he noticed something was amiss in his bed.

Firstly, his cheeks were cupped by small, delicate but callous hands. Secondly, one of his palms was caressing on a soft and squishy mound. Feeling a sense of deja vu, he opened his eyes and found himself gazing at his draconian spouse who was in the midst of waking up due to the loud and persistent ringing of the doorbell. Both of them stared at each other with a 'loving' gaze and then …

The whole building shook with a loud yell of **"HENTAI!!!"** followed by a loud slap. Upon hearing the loud scream, the three guests: a straw blonde guy wearing a funny looking striped green hat, a bespectacled muscled packed man with a wiry thin moustache, and a golden cat-eyed lady with a very dark skin complexion, who were waiting outside Renji's door, stopped their torture on the door and the doorbell. After a few quiet moments, they were finally greeted by a scowling Renji with an additional five-finger print mark on his face.

"Whadda ya want?!" Renji demanded as he glared daggers at his three unwanted visitors. The stripe hat guy fanned himself and then cooed "Why freeloader-san? Can't we visit you?" His two other companions rolled their eyes at him.

"No! Don't call me freeloader! I've already paid my monthly rent, in advance, even bought my groceries too!"

Meanwhile, after recovering from her morning shock, Tatsuki called out: "Oei Renji-teme! Who's at the door!"

"Nobody important Tsuki-chan." Renji returned, trying to shut the door but to no avail, as the trio had invited themselves into his apartment and were settling in the living room.

"Get out!" he yelled as he ran after them, hoping that they haven't made themselves too comfortable yet.

"Why freeloader-san, how can you be so cruel?" The striped hat guy covered his face and sobbed, causing Renji's eye to twitch in irritation at his D-grade performance.

"Who are these cosplayers?" Tatsuki, coming into the room, asked, causing them to sweat drop at her interesting description of them.

"Nobody Tsuki-chan," Renji answered, at the same time the landlord remarked: "Why freeloader-san, I don't remember letting you bring women here." That was enough to make Renji's face color match the color of his hair.

"Look Tessai, he's turning into a baboon!" the molten eyed beauty commented to the muscled packed guy. Renji had to force himself to count to ten or else he would have thrown his landlord and his friends out of his apartment.

"Kisuke Urahara at your service, this lady over there is my girlfriend, Yoruichi Shihouin. So young lady, do you want to be a part of a threesome?" Kisuke asked as he winked suggestively at her. Renji smashed his marble tabletop whereas Tatsuki smiled at the lecherous landlord and she started punching him.

A few hours later …

"I apologize for making that kind of pass to you." Kisuke nasally muttered as he nursed his bruised bumps. "For your compensation, I will be your personal slave."

"Go to hell! Pervert!"

Before Tatsuki could get a chance to stomp him to oblivion, Kisuke quickly spoke "Anyway that reminds me of a day when Renji was in college …."

Flashback …

"Drats! I forgot to bring my house keys!" A drunk Renji cursed as he fumbled through his pockets for the said item. "Great! I'm locked out of my house. How am I gonna to get in?"

While racking his fuzzy mind for ideas, he noticed an open window of his landlord's apartment.

"Goody! I can get into my apartment thru there." Renji slurred, forgetting the fact that his apartment was one floor above his landlord's, due to the alcohol impairing his sense of judgment. He quickly rushed down the stairs to head towards the giant maple that was leaning next to the hostel. Renji then scaled up the tree with an amazing speed and flexibility to enter the apartment thru the window. He was congratulating himself on his 'brilliance' when his train of thoughts screeched to a halt upon realizing he had just entered into a nightmare that every man would be willing to give up his teeth just to be in. Right before his very own eyes, he was greeted by Yoruichi in her naked glory, who had woken up in the middle of the night to fix herself a snack.

"Yo! What are you doing here?" Yoruichi asked, not even bothering to cover herself for modesty. As she sauntered towards the suddenly sobered Renji, he quickly backpedaled away from her. Every step forward she took, Renji took two steps backwards, trying to avoid her reach as he was at the time in love with Rukia. Renji continued doing so until the back of his leg hit the window ledge causing him to fall off the ledge and back to the outside with a heavy thud. From then on, Renji always _remembered_ to bring his house keys along with him.

End of flashback

Upon finishing his tale, Kisuke found himself earning strange looks from his two tenants; he then gave a nervous chuckle when he noticed Renji's foot was tapping with impatience.

"Ah… since you are newlyweds … all you really need is one nice… hot steaming … Arabian …" Urahara Kisuke drawled slowly and painfully like sharpened claws scratching a chalkboard.

The newly wed couple paled as both of them thought along the lines of 'shit! Don't tell me he is telling us to have a wild tumble in bed'. Renji and Tatsuki gulped even harder as forbidden and very mature rated images rushed through their minds like a fifty footer truck. For Renji it was Tatsuki's face photo shopped onto Yoruichi's nude body moving towards him with a sultry look and seductive movements. Whereas for Tatsuki, it consisted of a hot steamy bathroom and a nude Renji stepping out of it with just a small bath towel covering his bare essential. After reviewing those torturous images for what seemed to last for hours, Kisuke found himself rudely interrupted when two demonic looking adults glared at him.

"I dare you to finish it!" Renji and Tatsuki bellowed at him, looking ready to spill his guts, consequences be damned.

"My, my, I didn't know both of you could think so alike and so dirty. … Nescafe coffee and a boxful of dark Belgium chocolate will do _wonders_to your life." Kisuke cheekily finished off as he leered suggestively at them, obviously having a ball of a time. But that was short lived as he found himself being trampled and stomped on by the two enraged demons.

"Die! How dare you corrupt our innocence like that!" the two demons roared as they vented their frustrations on him, both spotting blood filled faces and their noses were leaking life-giving juice upon closer observation.

"You know for an IQ of 5,800, he can be such a moron." Yoruichi muttered to the muscled bound man and he nodded in agreement with her, watching a very brutal demise of Renji's landlord as they settled themselves to a cozy corner of Renji's apartment helping themselves to a very hearty breakfast.

T.B.C .

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Winter-chan: Poor Shunsui and Jyuushiro, scarred for life. Kisuke is such an open and mega pervert. No wonder that is why Tatsuki is such a man-hater. I was shocked to find out that our dear Renji and Tatsuki are such a closet perverts. (Looks around very innocently) i really hope you all enjoy reading and laughing of this chapter just as much as you have enjoyed reading the previous chapters. It's a pity that there are no crossover characters featured in this chapter. I like to thank Ayako Nazuki and Scales the dog for inspiring me to write this chapter.

I really want to thank the lovely reviewers for reviewing:

Liz-chan: thank you for finding the chapter and that part hilarious, there is an interesting story to it. It was during my secondary school days, my moral education teacher was recounting on her innocent childhood days to her group of blunt and impressionable students as her father was a doctor and he had tapes on how to educate married couples on how to copulate and what nots and he kept them in his briefcase. However she found those tapes and showed her other girl friends, so what seemed to be a scared thing between couples become a full blown porn fest. So for those readers who are doctors or not, please make sure that you hide them properly and hide the keys as well. As you may never know that how much corrupted information that an innocent child can absorb once they get their hands on it just by simple carelessness.

uiHS: I'm sorry to say that i have totally corrupted and parodied this Shakie story and will continue to do on other stories such as this one.

Freeglader: unfortunately, I really need the motivation part and the plot bunnies are leadin in the victory.

flOofymikO: glad that you like the crackish chapter and the crackish song.

-AnGeLiCaNiMeKiTtY-: yup poor ichigo and this time is poor Shunsui and Jyuushiro.

Kitty Yannie: yup, thanks, hope you will like this one too.

PS: does anyone have a problem where all your stars, equals and slashes disappear when you upload the document to the manager?


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